Confession Point

I am completely in love with my mate and we are to get married in a couple of months, but he broke my heart a while back and I don’t think I can get over it. He’s with me 24/7 but I think he’s one of those internet addicts that are forever flirting, planning another life, and even getting cyber dirty with them online. I know he did it at one point but I don’t think I believe he has stopped. My confession, ever since he first broke my heart, I have stalked his every move. I’ve put programs on all our pc to capture screenshots, passwords, I go into all his pages and emails. I drive myself crazy wondering who he might be talking to at work. I’ve done checks on numbers that pop up on his cell, check his cell when he doesn’t know. creep up to hear if he’s on the phone and if he disappears for more than 5 minutes I find an excuse to go around searching for him. I can’t stand living like this. I’m having a hard time letting go of what happened and yet I only want to be with him. I just can’t do it not knowing. I’ve tried breaking it off, no matter how bad I don’t want to, for his sake but he won’t leave.

I have the password to my ex-boyfriend’s email accounts (along with his facebook, and a couple online sex/dating sites). He didn’t give them to me – I noticed him typing it in one day and remembered. I can’t help logging on now and then to see what he’s up to. I miss him. I realize this is only hurting me, since he’s moving on. Nothing in his emails is particularly shocking or even interesting but I realize it’s still wrong, and I hate being a stalker.

I read my GF diary and i was upset. I know that i shouldn’t have read it but i don’t know why i did. I found out that she started having sex when she was 11, she let a guy finger her at the movies, she had sex with her boyfriend after just a month, and she had sex with her brothers friend. I try to forget all that shit.

I just got busted on a totally idiotic thing I did a few weeks ago, making me so ashamed that I just needed to tell someone to get it off my chest.

I was with this guy for approximately four years. It was not a good relationship, he put me down and cheated on me repeatedly. I always had suspicions, as he would be very secretive about his computer, his email, his chat clients etc… we moved abroad together last year and right before the move, I found out he had cheated and made him confess to it. I decided to let it be because of the move. This guy was very disparaging and manipulative and finally, after a couple of months, I had had enough. I broke up with him, he brought a girl back to our place the same night. I found out he had actually been dating her and another girl for a few weeks before the breakup. It was pretty bad, first he tried to get me back, then he became controlling, even more manipulative and violent. Finally, he moved back home and I decided to stay on my own.

So, I have this stupid habit of googling people’s names. Childhood friends, family, myself, exes, my partner’s exes etc. And I’ve googled this guy a few times. Recently, I found him on a dating community. I registered a user, using my own email, to look at his profile and then immediately afterwards deleted the account. Little did I know that this community notifies its users everytime an aim contact opens up an account. And, he emailed me today, tellling me to stop spying on him. I denied ever doing it (though I did it a lot when we were together, to try and find evidence of his infidelity). He emailed back with a picture of the notification he got when I registered, and my username is his visitors’ log. So what do I do? Deny, deny, deny! I said I didn’t do it, but that I had let someone borrow my email account.

I feel physically sick, not so much because of my ex busting me, but because I am behaving like this even though I am with a new person, who is absolutely perfect in everyway and I know I will marry eventually. I don’t understand why I am obsessively looking for this type of information, and it’s not only my ex, I also look for information on my new boyfriend’s exes. Not telling him will make me feel like a crazy person (which I am not, this is a behavior rooted in being cheated on and developing a very low self-esteem) but if I tell him, I will make his disappointed. He would never do anything like this. He is genuinely the kindest and gentlest person I know.

I hate myself for doing this.

I regularly break into my friends’ email accounts and read their messages. I first did it to see if a mutual friend was still in contact with one of them, but now it’s become fun and secretive. It makes me feel closer to them.

I’ve been on my guy about being honest but the reason I know he isn’t is because I snooped into his email. I plan to come clean and I’m scared to death, but we truly love each other and I need to tell him to change his password and what I did.