Confession Point

When you must confess!

Right now I feel like killing myself. Fucking depression. Why the FUCK won’t you leave me alone for ONCE in my GODDAMNED LIFE?! WHEN will I get my control back?

I know I can’t help it, it’s just the way I am. There’s nothing I can do about it. But it’s been too long. There’s nothing I should be upset about right now. My life is fine. It’s just me. I can’t let me be happy. I’m getting progressively worse.

My worst punishment imaginable. Being forced to watch myself crumble from within. Dying in my own mind. This is the monster that I live with, every single day. I can’t explain it to anyone. The mention of depression makes them shy away like I’m contageous. I can’t explain how it affects me. How it controls me. How i CANT STOP IT.

The worst thing is that I know I will wake up in about a week and all of this will have gone away. I will wake up feeling just fine and dandy. And then all I can do is wait. Wait for the next episode. Wait for a few months time where something ticks me off and sends me down this familiar spiral.

I’m frightened, and terrified and there’s nothing I can do.

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9 Comments

  1. x
    1:53 pm on April 26th, 2007

    #2745: i’ll be there for u

  2. smooth nessie
    5:39 pm on April 26th, 2007

    #2746: Talk to a doctor. You probably have a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with the right medication. There is no need to keep on suffering. I know, I’ve been there.

  3. chank-a-lank
    2:44 pm on July 27th, 2007

    #3013: i hop you feel better. just think of all the good in the world . not all of it is bad. and the good stuff is free, rainbows puppies,and kittens, laughter, a good movie should do it, if all else fails, use meds, a doc will help you feel better sorry brother

  4. WTF ???
    10:58 am on May 6th, 2008

    #4614: WTF ???

  5. K.C.
    12:47 pm on August 2nd, 2009

    That sucks pretty hard.
    I think, if I could write something about my depression, it would come out exactly the same.
    I’m on anti-depressants, and I doubled my dose without telling my psychiatrist (stupid, I know). And I still feel like killing myself. It might be with you forever. But it probably won’t. And if you push through it, you know how great you’ll feel.
    I don’t really have any advice. Just, you know you’re not alone. Nowhere near it. Don’t let any fuckers get you down. Especially not yourself 😛

  6. Annie
    1:14 pm on September 22nd, 2009

    Yep, that’s me, too. No control over a single thing. Not one goddam thing. Gotta keep working and paying those bills so the ingrates I’m supporting can watch thier favorite shows. Gotta keep that gas in the car so I can drive them to all of their games and appointments. Gotta make sure my schedule is posted so they can make plans for my days off. Gotta find a second job because no one will turn off lights, or AC’s and I can’t pay all the fucking bills anymore. I’m planning my suicide,. not much doubt left in my mind that I eventually will. I have blood pressure meds, insulin (all left over from my mom, who left me so much debt I’m drowning in it)and I’m going to buy a gun. After my daughter leaves for college next fall (she’s getting as far away from me as possible…. smart girl) I’m getting a gun, and I’m going to walk as far into the woods as I can get, the take the meds, the insulin… and If I wake up from that, I will blow my fucking worthless brains out. I’m hoping to never be found, maybe the critters will dispose of my remains. Gonna lose the house soon. Meanwhile, I find that cutting helps. Locking myself in the bathroom, the only place I can get a few seconds of privacy, since I can’t even change my clothes in my own room without someone coming in on me. I’m so ashamed of my body, I think they like to do that because it makes them feel better about themselves. Anyway, three days ago I took a razor blade and started cutting my arm. Not much more than deep scratches, really… I mean… I don’t want to hurt myself, just feel better. I felt a lot better afterwards, and counted over 150 cuts on my left arm. Downside… I have to wear long sleeves so no one can see, which sucks, since it’s summer.
    Nothings ever going to change. No help is available, and even if it were, I’m not worth helping. Whatever. Life is nothing but a big cosmic joke anyway.

  7. Cindy
    9:51 pm on November 13th, 2009

    Annie, killing yourself is your last resort. I understand your pain. I always hold onto suicide as a possibility. It makes life bearable knowing that I have an out. I’m 51 and never thought I would make my 40th birthday. I’ve been depressed since I was 5. I tried to kill myself when I was 16. It didn’t work and no one knew that I had failed. My mother tells me now that she knew I was in a bad way during those years, but didn’t know how to help. I’ve hurt myself with anorexia, bulimia, cutting, burning, alcohol, drugs and sex. My father was the trigger – a hard-ass Marine who made his children want to die. I have used cats to stay alive since 1985. How can I leave my babies behind? My brother-in-law died of a heart attack a few years ago. He left behind my sister, 3 dogs and a parrot. The parrot and one of the dogs went into a meltdown. The bird pulled out almost all of her feathers and the dog became very destructive and had to be put on Zoloft. You see, our pets do love and need us. I have so much depression, especially in winter, so I work hard to fight it, using Zoloft and vitamin D3. Color therapy glasses and sunlight. Then there are my cats who always make everything better. You mentioned money problems. If you want to live you must reach out to others and ask for help. There must be people in your life who will help you get back on your feet. If I could, I would help you. Helping others always makes depression better. I know what it feels like to be engulfed in the gray cloud – no joy, pleasure, happiness. Ask for help and put up roadblocks (pets).

  8. aka The F***** Doc
    5:24 am on November 16th, 2009

    In childhood I was constantly picked on by everyone including my so-called backstabber friends- and these types I always seemed to attract even though I was always sincere to them, then I had the worst toughest adolescence anyone could go through- intensely self-conscious, painfully shy (and I’m a dude btw), no friends etc. etc. And now I STILL suffer from OCD, depression (started at age 13, took zoloft and paxil at age 15 to age 19 or so which, pardon my language, f***** up my brain and gave me a nervous breakdown when I started university, and then the f****** drug companies pulled it off AFTER I took these and I was only 16- what the hell??- wasn’t MY safety important???!!!), anyways I also suffer from
    social anxiety/extreme self consciousness and hence loneliness, ongoing porn addiction (which makes me feel terrible about myself) but that I have trouble kicking and have had panic attacks in the past-and these were so bad that I felt like someone suddenly holding a gun to my head out of the blue for no reason 3X in my life thus far- so bad that I’d rather die- but I didn’t! I have wanted to end my life so many times in the past I can’t even tell you- my life is been so gnawingly torturous and painful and I have so much anger inside at all the sh** that I have to bear- but suicide is not the answer- because if you do that- it makes you a coward- if I can make it through these problems, why can’t you? You know what after all the shyt I’ve been through, (and after suffering 3 crushing heartbreaks all of which I thought were the “one” and failing classes in uni b/c of my OCD- at which point I thought my life is over cause I can’t even do my science degree)I got admitted to medical school!!!!- so you see, STAY ALIVE AND THING’S CHANGE AROUND! I’ve controlled my conditions to an extent, but still the OCD flares up sometimes badly. You gotta hold your head up high, no matter what.. if not for you, at least do it for your mother and father who care so much about you…

    Please don’t try hurting yourself, if you think you might then CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE, I’m NOT JOKING!:

    Here’s one: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

    I sincerely hope and pray you feel better, and rmeember God is always there to listen to you even if the whole world is against you…

  9. hot4teacher
    11:10 pm on November 22nd, 2009

    DO NOT CONSIDER SUICIDE!!! My husband committed suicide in March, and he left behind 8 years of marriage to me and our beautiful 7 year old daughter. If you go to the right doctor, and let him know ALL of your symptoms and feelings…especially suicide. If you don’t have insurance there are agencies that will help you. Call the above suicide hotline (or any other one) and tell them you need counseling. I will never commit suicide, I am bipolar and I am very familiar with the “cloud” you refer to, then waking up and being fine one day. But not being able to enjoy it because you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m not a doctor, but I do know a LOT about this topic, and it sounds like you may be bipolar as well. And if a doc puts you on meds and they don’t work, TELL them. A good doctor will sometimes have to try MANY combinations to get the right mix (especially with bipolar). But Xanax is one huge lifesaver that will work quickly if your doctor can give it to you with other meds. Please get help..it’s out there. I’m here if u need me.

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