Confession Point

I just got busted on a totally idiotic thing I did a few weeks ago, making me so ashamed that I just needed to tell someone to get it off my chest.

I was with this guy for approximately four years. It was not a good relationship, he put me down and cheated on me repeatedly. I always had suspicions, as he would be very secretive about his computer, his email, his chat clients etc… we moved abroad together last year and right before the move, I found out he had cheated and made him confess to it. I decided to let it be because of the move. This guy was very disparaging and manipulative and finally, after a couple of months, I had had enough. I broke up with him, he brought a girl back to our place the same night. I found out he had actually been dating her and another girl for a few weeks before the breakup. It was pretty bad, first he tried to get me back, then he became controlling, even more manipulative and violent. Finally, he moved back home and I decided to stay on my own.

So, I have this stupid habit of googling people’s names. Childhood friends, family, myself, exes, my partner’s exes etc. And I’ve googled this guy a few times. Recently, I found him on a dating community. I registered a user, using my own email, to look at his profile and then immediately afterwards deleted the account. Little did I know that this community notifies its users everytime an aim contact opens up an account. And, he emailed me today, tellling me to stop spying on him. I denied ever doing it (though I did it a lot when we were together, to try and find evidence of his infidelity). He emailed back with a picture of the notification he got when I registered, and my username is his visitors’ log. So what do I do? Deny, deny, deny! I said I didn’t do it, but that I had let someone borrow my email account.

I feel physically sick, not so much because of my ex busting me, but because I am behaving like this even though I am with a new person, who is absolutely perfect in everyway and I know I will marry eventually. I don’t understand why I am obsessively looking for this type of information, and it’s not only my ex, I also look for information on my new boyfriend’s exes. Not telling him will make me feel like a crazy person (which I am not, this is a behavior rooted in being cheated on and developing a very low self-esteem) but if I tell him, I will make his disappointed. He would never do anything like this. He is genuinely the kindest and gentlest person I know.

I hate myself for doing this.